The Trunk Slammers and Billie Holiday

I just don't feel right. I sat down to try write something profound, but all that comes to mind is a blank page and an annoying inability to not let the music distract me. Maybe I should just turn it off. I think I'm tired... I haven't slept well lately. I keep waking up knowing that I've been grinding my teeth. I guess it's time to brain storm!

It's Memorial Weekend for God sakes! I should be excited that I don't have to work on Monday. But, in traditional Memorial Weekend style, it will rain and be cold the whole time, for sure. It never fails. I made the mistake of planning a garage sale for this weekend. I have worked all week on it, but that's not why I'm tired. You see, I feel that I am lessening the load by getting rid off the excess. I am mutch too heavy these days! I need to drop some of the weight!

I left work today and sped home on the freeway with hundreds of other people heading north trying to get a jump on the weekend fun. Countless campers and packed vans with canoes and bicycles attached weaved through the traffic. The ride north always seems longer when you’re stuck in the middle of the migratory! Look at all of these trunk slammers!

I no sooner pulled up to my mail box and was commandeered by the neighbor wanting to know my plans for the weekend and if we wanted to go to dinner with all of the other neighbors - trunk slammers, cottage people, whatever. God, can't I get out of the fucking car first? Can I get my mail and decide what I want to do? Does everyone have to be in my face as soon as I get here? Does my phone have to ring incessantly at 4:01pm? Give me a break!

I bowed out graciously and went out to the garage to get to work. I put on Billie Holiday and started to try to get organized. Whew, relax! Melodic, unobtrusive Billie... Blue Billie.

"I'm so wearied and all alone,
Seems I'm tired like heavy stone,
Travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin'
All alone.

Who will see and who will care
'Bout the load that I must bear,
Travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin'
All alone."


The trunk slammers come to party at the lake. I live here all of the time, I have things that I need to do. I came home from taking a mass lot of bottles back to the store and was heading in to make myself something to eat at 9 o'clock at night after I hadn't eaten since lunch and they all started harrassing me to come down to their bon-fire. Then they seemed ruffled that I didn't want to attend because I was hungry! Kiss my ass!

You see, Ordinarily I would be the first one out ready to celebrate the holiday. But I am in the middle of an ocean without a paddle or sense of direction. I have so many thoughts taking up my space that there isn't room for much more dialog. I can't concentrate. I can't stand it. I made the mistake of falling in love. And now I ache from it. I want peace and quit so that I can think. But, I don't know where all of this thinking has taken me. Then again, I have so many interuptions and distractions that I routinely forget where I was in the first place.

I wish that there was some supreme resolution! I wish that I could just ask the Magic 8 Ball. (What's so magic about it anyway?? "Cannot tell you now" is not a magical answer!) I think my heart knows what to do, but where does the courage come from?

Yesterday, I let someone talk and talk and I realized that I hadn't listened to anything that they had said. My mind so cluttered...thinking on another. Can't get you out of my head. I am so pissed at myself for not being a better femenist. I can't believe the things that I have been thinking. It must be love that's all I can figure. What the fuck, man? How did this happen to me?

Anyway, I'm sorry trunk slammers; I'm sorry Billie. It isn't your fault! I'm just blue. When something is bothering me, I withdraw! But, you'll never know, you will just think that I'm a bitch. Maybe it's better anyway.

For now, I will concentrate on me! Uncertainty abounds and I will settle this once and for all. But how?

"Sadness creeps in like a cat on railroad tracks."