I WAIT

Have you ever had one of those weeks where
you just can't seem to get your shit together?
Where the bad mood eminates from you so
much that even small animals run from you?

That's me this week.
You could hand me flowers and I would
probably kick your teeth in.

Why?
I know why.
But it's not proper to publish it here, I suppose.
I could name the subject and probably at
least half of you could identify
with how hard it is to deal with
ignorant people.
Like "ex" people
if you catch my drift.
People who think that they don't have
faults and then are quick to point out your short comings.

People that always make you feel like you owe
THEM something, when you don't
And then never bend in return.
And all you would like to do is give them one
big dose of the "what for"
but you can't.
Because the outcome wouldn't be productive.
so in the mean time, I wait.
I'm like Chuck Norris in the night.

I wait.

If you know me, then you should
just chalk my mood up to frustration.
I try to not let these types of things affect me.
That is a form of victory for the other party.
BUT, I haven't been able to sleep.
My stomach is sick. It makes my head hurt.
Every time I think about the issue
my heart pounds and my face gets red.

If I was a mature being,
I could let it go and
practice forgiveness.
Because I know the truth.
But apparently I suck
as a human.

I actually was minding my own
business and was not asking
for confrontation of this nature.
Sure, I have a rotten attitude about
this issue, but I was being nice and
ADULT.

I guess that's all I can do.
Now I'm forced to keep my mouth shut
but I don't want to.
I want to be honest and get my point across
and I can't.
At what point do you draw the line
and just tell yourself that you can't
tell people the whole honest truth about what
you feel?

Why am I not allowed to defend myself??

Because the universe said so.

I hate this hollow sick feeling in my belly.
I'm tired of confrontation.
I have a bit of a hot temper.
I don't like people to feel like they can
walk all over me.
I spent many years being a doormat
and one day I asked myself
"Why? Why do I have to be the one that is being pushed around?"
This revelation came with anger.
Anger that I had inside that I allowed to
come growling out and I've never
quite been able to tame it down again.

When I feel walked on, then I will tell you about it.
I will get mad and you will know.
But this time was different.
I was blind sided with attitude
and while I think to myself
that I should put myself
in their shoes and be a grown up,
I am having a tough time doing so.

I should think about the Tao
and leave a legacy of peace.
Because I don't like to feel so angry.
I am an otherwise happy person.

I need to wrangle up this enemy
-anger-
and put it away.
And just know that the
difference between

ME
and
YOU

is that I KNOW I have faults
and you don't think you have any.
and you are a fool if you think that
karma doesn't apply to you.

So I wait.