The joy of pain

A year ago, I left my husband.

I lived out of my car for a week.

...Stayed in my grandparent's motor home for awhile.

...rented a house.

...got a divorce.

Then we moved to California...

and then back again.

Tomorrow would have been 4 years of marriage. Whatever happens in my life, I KNOW that I made the right decision to leave. I saw him today for the first time in a long time. It was sad in the way that I didn't even feel like I ever knew him.

When our world blew up, I stayed with you at Tacoma Lake. We swam under starry skies. That, I've found, is the BEST place to spend time with you.

Maybe I'm a bad person. At least I'm an honest one.

I walked 5 miles today. I wore my head phones and I listened to Cold Roses by Ryan Adams and the Cardinals. It reminded me so much of the pain and excitement and wonder and all of that stuff that was a year ago when everything seemed a lot more tangled. It's amazing to think that it's been a year already. I remember listening to that CD in the motor home and trying to play along on my guitar (for the record, I couldn't.) It was a strange and lonely time for me. Really one of the first times that I was truely alone. I can remember how it smelled in there and I sat at the table eating apples, making jewelry and sneaking off to smoke and calm my nerves. I lost so much weight back then. I kept saying, well at least I still have a job...

Then I lost my job. Heh. Careful what you say! It's like the curse of the hat on the bed. I don't know why though. And I'm sure you don't know what I'm talking about unless you've seen Drugstore Cowboy.

It really is interesting to see the progression of things looking back over the past year and a half. Now I'm working a nice new office job back here in MI... Some things don't change, we're already plotting a course toward the South. Possibly Virginia. The fun never ends.

Before you left we went back to Tacoma Lake and swam under the night sky. I think that I want to do that every year to celebrate not only the joy, but also the pain.