Make Believe Hurdles

Sometimes the dusty dirt road that is my brain
twists and turns into uncharted territory.

I'm pretty blatant with my thoughts.
I don't usually leave much to the imagination
with my writing or anything else.
I wish I was one of those people
that could entertain with my thoughts
and words.

I wish that I could think of interesting,
coherent things to say that make
people want to know what it is
that I think about...and keep reading
or even keep listening.

The truth is that I'm not that
interesting.
I have been finding out that
people don't think of me as someone
that knows things
or
someone whose opinions mean anything.

And that is uncharted territory
because
at least in my own mind,
I think that most of us
want to be important
or heard
or do something that we feel good about
and
I do nothing.
I contribute nothing.

I stand before make believe
hurdles
and I never manage to step
over them.

I never manage.
I'm not very strong
I have big ideas -
big dreams

I watch my cousins start businesses
and take chances
and make money
and do just fine.

Instead of being smart,
I rushed into marriage,
lollygagged into debt
got stuck with a house
that should be owned
by someone more
capable.

As I walk, I can feel
the gravel crunching
below my feet.
I can smell
I can feel
I can think...
why can't I do?

I'm not really feeling
sorry for myself.
I'm not really feeling
at all.

I just write boring things
so that my mind can be
emptier.

I used to read
and draw
and do creative things

and have ideas.

I feel like I'm a good person.
But sometimes that just isn't enough.
I still can't make anyone happy.
I can't be good enough.

I won't ever be good enough.
Unless you need someone
to be mad at.

Then fricken fire away
so that I can stand there and
cry
about everyone elses
problems.

And no one cares about mine.
I guess I can't expect anyone else to care
because it isn't their job.
So fuck it.

All I have left is
fog brain.
And all I really want to do is make
flyers and paint signs
and get something
rolling.

I have this wonderful
relationship that makes me
feel better than anything
I've ever had.
So why do I feel like
YOU
want it on the rocks?

I want to devote my life to
you

and US.

I DON'T think in
terms of
just me
and
just you.
I think in terms of
getting OUR
shit straight.

So, there.
There wasn't too
much beat around
the bush in this.
Just a little meandering to
figure out the
right way to say
that
I love you.

And I'm just me
and I probably won't change
and I will do what I can
to be half of this pair.