water...so much water...under the bridge

Happy New Year!

I know it's just another day in the progression of many,
but on paper, it is a new year.
We all think of "New Years Resolutions" at the last minute...
that barely anyone sticks to,
but for me it's different.

When I thought of things for the new year that I want to happen, things came to mind like:
"for the new year I'd like to feel happy and have a place to live."
It's easy to see how things can spin out of control for people in life.
If you aren't strong with a will to survive, then you're
under a bridge somewhere living in a box in LESS than a heartbeat.

Let's just say that we've decided that the past year was one filled with
Heaven
and also
Hell.
I guess it isn't unlike most years, but the

black
and
white

of it all is very amazing...
and not amazing in the best of ways, either.

We spent the first part of the year
gazing upon the Sierras
and taking day trips to San Francisco
and driving through Napa Valley
...and making enough money to
support our dreams and
the dreams of those around us
who we were/are obligated to.

Beginning in the second part of the year,
we packed up the cars and the U-Haul
and
busted ass across country -
driving nearly straight through
so that we could make it back
to The Great Lakes State
to interview for a job
so that we could be home with our
families
and
friends.

Arriving here seemed full of promise.
It was so good to see everyone.
I got the job that we drove here for.
Things seemed under way...

...Then they gradually deteriorated into
near homelessness
as we sat and watched Michigan's
economy fall apart
and continue to force hard working
people to move away.

Anyway,
I keep thinking about all of it...
doing some reflecting on why
things are the way they are.
Sometimes things aren't so easy to articulate,
but in the simplest terms -
I believe that this has been a test.

A test to our relationship
and relationshipS
and a learning experience
and a penance for our sins
and a chance to learn how to be a grown up.

I do believe that there are reasons
for everything
If I could just simply explain it,
I would say that I used to operate
in a single minded, self centered kind of way.

THAT is because I didn't HAVE to be a grown up.
I didn't have to worry about anyone but me.
I would walk out of friendships and people's lives
because I FELT like it really wouldn't matter to them,
like I didn't really matter to them.
Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't a "feel sorry for myself" kind of revelation.
This is a "why the hell would I really matter to them?" kind of revelation
Until recently, I never understood that I
-for whatever reason-make a difference sometimes.
Like how I deal with my little brother.
He's kind of a brat, so I would be short with him.
I realized that I was hurting his feelings and so it
made him more hard to handle.

I haven't ever wanted to be important to anyone.
Dee felt abandoned when I decided to not be friends
with her anymore and she felt bad about it for a few years.
When she confronted me about it, it irritated me
because I couldn't understand why it mattered. I felt like she needed to get a life.
It made me realize that my choices effect other people - more
than I could have ever known.

Before this, I've never spent much time with kids either...
It's AMAZING how much they can drive you crazy
and go through the house like Tasmanian Devil's
and refuse to go to bed and all of the things that little kids do...
(and you're thinking: "Man, get a vasectomy, PRONTO!!")
and then they say something cute or do something funny
and your heart melts and you're totally bummed when
they leave because you never realize how much
meaning they bring into your life until you actually stop and feel it.
Then you spend time giggling about the little things she did
or the funny stuff that he said...
and you realize, "hey kids are pretty neat!"
They matter to me, maybe I matter to them.

Then I went to the girl doctor last week and she told me that
I better start thinking about having kids if I'm going to,
because my eggs are getting older now...
Ugh.
I've just come to grips with how stuck in my ways I am...
I just don't know if I'm capable of
doing it...I'm not terribly maternal.
I blame that on the Beardslee side.
all partiers with no center.
That's not what I want to be.
But I'm still unsure of whether my high school proclamation of
"no kids for me" still stands or what?
Just like me to be wishy washy. I think that my picture is in the
dictionary next to "undecided."

It's so hard that I'm not the mom
in my new family. It makes me jealous
that I'm not the one who got to share that
experience with the man I want to spend my life
with. It's hard that her number is still under "HOME"
in his cell phone.

I have learned so much about myself...
Sometimes it scares me and other times...
I am happy with the strength that I have found
and (hopefully) the personal growth that I so need and desire.

The new year is going to be better.
It has to be.
I'm going to get settled,
take yoga
and start cooking more.
Those are things that are easy to adhere to.
The hard part is accomplishing the
things that I really want to do...
like
being more patient,
making more time for relationships
and playing with the kids more
because for whatever reason,
I do make a difference.
(even if I don't know why.)

Happy New Year!

2007