I WAIT

Have you ever had one of those weeks where
you just can't seem to get your shit together?
Where the bad mood eminates from you so
much that even small animals run from you?

That's me this week.
You could hand me flowers and I would
probably kick your teeth in.

Why?
I know why.
But it's not proper to publish it here, I suppose.
I could name the subject and probably at
least half of you could identify
with how hard it is to deal with
ignorant people.
Like "ex" people
if you catch my drift.
People who think that they don't have
faults and then are quick to point out your short comings.

People that always make you feel like you owe
THEM something, when you don't
And then never bend in return.
And all you would like to do is give them one
big dose of the "what for"
but you can't.
Because the outcome wouldn't be productive.
so in the mean time, I wait.
I'm like Chuck Norris in the night.

I wait.

If you know me, then you should
just chalk my mood up to frustration.
I try to not let these types of things affect me.
That is a form of victory for the other party.
BUT, I haven't been able to sleep.
My stomach is sick. It makes my head hurt.
Every time I think about the issue
my heart pounds and my face gets red.

If I was a mature being,
I could let it go and
practice forgiveness.
Because I know the truth.
But apparently I suck
as a human.

I actually was minding my own
business and was not asking
for confrontation of this nature.
Sure, I have a rotten attitude about
this issue, but I was being nice and
ADULT.

I guess that's all I can do.
Now I'm forced to keep my mouth shut
but I don't want to.
I want to be honest and get my point across
and I can't.
At what point do you draw the line
and just tell yourself that you can't
tell people the whole honest truth about what
you feel?

Why am I not allowed to defend myself??

Because the universe said so.

I hate this hollow sick feeling in my belly.
I'm tired of confrontation.
I have a bit of a hot temper.
I don't like people to feel like they can
walk all over me.
I spent many years being a doormat
and one day I asked myself
"Why? Why do I have to be the one that is being pushed around?"
This revelation came with anger.
Anger that I had inside that I allowed to
come growling out and I've never
quite been able to tame it down again.

When I feel walked on, then I will tell you about it.
I will get mad and you will know.
But this time was different.
I was blind sided with attitude
and while I think to myself
that I should put myself
in their shoes and be a grown up,
I am having a tough time doing so.

I should think about the Tao
and leave a legacy of peace.
Because I don't like to feel so angry.
I am an otherwise happy person.

I need to wrangle up this enemy
-anger-
and put it away.
And just know that the
difference between

ME
and
YOU

is that I KNOW I have faults
and you don't think you have any.
and you are a fool if you think that
karma doesn't apply to you.

So I wait.

RAMBLIN' WAYS: NOTES FROM A RAMBLER

Rambler:
noun
1. a person who takes long walks/drives in the country
2. a person whose speech or writing is not well organized

Originally my blog was called Dirt Road Journeys (although it is a somewhat lame name) because at the time, I was in the midst of making some life choices and rambling felt good. (By the way, I'm not trying to sound all autobiographical here.) Anyway, I used to drive a little 4wd Tracker all over the back roads and think about all the stuff in my life making me listless...sleepless...speechless... I loved to put all of the windows down and feel the fresh air rush in. Cruising slow, you could hear the crickets and the frogs in the swamps and near the cat tails.

In the silence...away...I could think better. No sound of swash buckling video games or the T.V. or the sound of the neighbors talking to Sam or anything, just me and my ability to think. Have you ever felt like you were walking in quicksand or moving in slow motion or seeing with your eyes closed? That "get away from me" kind of claustrophobic feeling that you get when you just need to f@#$ing think and you can't because your space is completely wrong. That's how I felt...then.

So, I would ramble. I would drive all over with some music and a cooler full of drinks and just drive and wind my way through and around the roads of Mid-Michigan (this was back in the good ole days of '04 when you could still get a full tank for twenty bucks.) I began this journey out of boredom and sheer unhappiness. I was depressed, but trying to keep busy. I would stop by the farm and sit at the round table in the kitchen and talk about whatever new lore had developed around there while everyone chain smoked around me. I would drive down lush green swamp roads and toke a little and stop in a sunny spot to relax. Just to be away.

At the same time I had never felt so creative and full of things to get out! I felt pretty in tune...I am not saying that I'm wise, but I'm just saying that I started to feel like I was growing up a little and realizing what it is to be a better person...I began to understand that I am the person that I was when I was younger. I was not the person that I tried to be later on. You can only try to fit into a mold for so long before you start to get it. I couldn't keep on being someone that I really wasn't comfortable with.

When I left, I stayed in my grandparent's motor home for a couple of weeks. Never did I have a more exiled, yet blissful hiatus. I tried to play my guitar, I listened to cd's, I played solitaire, I walked and walked. I lived on chips & salsa, apples, beer and diet coke because my nerves were raw and it's all I could bare... I lost 30 pounds. And I drove around...figuring out where I left myself. It was my quarter life crisis, I guess.

Day by Day, things began to unfold. I moved from the camper into a cottage with Wile and Sam. Wy was gone working a lot and I would load up the Tracker with the cooler and food and drive to where ever he was working - even if it was for just one night. I drove to Indiana, Detroit and even Virginia. (I swear Map quest is my best friend.) I mastered opening Oberon beer bottles with my hair brush. I relaxed a whole lot. I began to feel less angry and anxious. I began to sleep. The pieces of life were still everywhere, but at least I had a place to sleep and a job!

Now, it's 2 1/2years later...life has become more than I had asked for. We went through a real bottom out. I seriously thought that we might be homeless. I was stressing out about the reality of living in a very gracious friend's basement. Not because I was unappreciative, but because I was embarrassed that I was 30 years old and unable to work it all out.

Through all of it, I have never been sorry that I did all of that thinking and that I followed my instincts - the outcome of my dirt road journeys - to be sitting here right now in our house. I have the life that I needed to live. I have the partner I needed to have. I'm comfortable in my skin and in my life. I wouldn't trade that for the world. I feel so very content with my life and with the grip you have on the hand of my soul.

Next weekend, we'll be married and I'm happy. I'm excited to be a part of a family and to have the kind of wedding that suits us...to do this with someone who thinks like I do and values what I value. Who has the ability to be objective and understand many things that other people don't get. I appreciate that kind of union like no other. Someone who will stop and take in a sunset and go for walks and appreciate a long ride. If you stop to think about it, it's really quite romantic. Even though it never dawned on me until now.

Thank you universe for perking up my senses and allowing me to find the silver cord between us.

Live simply...less distraction equals more time for happiness and good memories. Truth.