Happy Happy Joy Joy

...SO MANY SONGS ABOUT CALIFORNIA

I told my dad the other day that the Pacific Coast is where my heart is.

He said: "Then find a way to get there."

I felt like I had been set free.

Sleeping in is my favorite perk

It's so nice to not have to drive so far to work. I had to go back to the old house yesterday and I was thinking "holy shit, this really is a long ride." I spent the last 8 months of my life driving an hour to and from work. Now I can sleep til 8. Hallelujah.

No Hubcaps, No Conclusion, No Problem

"His goal in life was to be an echo" ~Wilco


Meth shake in place, he stood in short sleeves in the blustery cold and stared blankly
at the road. He seemed to be thinking (or not really thinking...whatever) "I think I'm
waiting for someone, but I'm not really sure...but who ever it is, I'm sure they'll be here soon..."

Pacing and pacing and shaking his hands, he walked around his car. He fingered his blondish 1970's mustache and talked to himself...The car...nearly as puzzling as the guy that I watched through the steamed up windows while I waited for you at the gas station...the car...I have no idea what it was...one of those ugly 1980's Ford LTD type of cars. Gas Hog, Two tone gray, no hubcaps. What was odd was that the guy...meth guy...had three large heavy appliances strapped to it. It looked like a dishwasher and a stove strapped in the open trunk and a refridgerator strapped to the roof. The weight of all three had the car's bumper trying to kiss the pavement. One bump and I'm sure those straps would have given and the car would have puked Maytag on the highway.

I watched as he pulled out a golf club. He came around the front of the car (still talking to himself) and propped the hood up. He came back around and got out a quart of oil. He sat it on the front bumper of the car and then he fidgeted around for quite some time. Talking to himself, anxiously looking at the road, squirming around, shaking his hands, fingering his mustache.

The roads were bad...I mean really bad. It had snowed all day... Why had he picked a day like today to haul heavy junk? He did not put the oil in the car or even check the level. He closed the hood and swiped the oil off of the bumper and caught it mid air.

He went inside and asked for matches. When told that they didn't have any, he nervously and shakily picked through the lighters unable to make a choice.

Pearl

On the corner of Pearl & Division sits a church - I think it was called St. Paul something or other...they had a Rainbow of diversity flag hanging outside. I thought it was cool to see it out there waving bravely in such a conservative city. Yea liberals.

CLIFF NOTES

The value of a drink as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

For the record, I always loved the show Cheers and as a kid, my brother and I would always make a point of watching it every week.

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame, Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

water...so much water...under the bridge

Happy New Year!

I know it's just another day in the progression of many,
but on paper, it is a new year.
We all think of "New Years Resolutions" at the last minute...
that barely anyone sticks to,
but for me it's different.

When I thought of things for the new year that I want to happen, things came to mind like:
"for the new year I'd like to feel happy and have a place to live."
It's easy to see how things can spin out of control for people in life.
If you aren't strong with a will to survive, then you're
under a bridge somewhere living in a box in LESS than a heartbeat.

Let's just say that we've decided that the past year was one filled with
Heaven
and also
Hell.
I guess it isn't unlike most years, but the

black
and
white

of it all is very amazing...
and not amazing in the best of ways, either.

We spent the first part of the year
gazing upon the Sierras
and taking day trips to San Francisco
and driving through Napa Valley
...and making enough money to
support our dreams and
the dreams of those around us
who we were/are obligated to.

Beginning in the second part of the year,
we packed up the cars and the U-Haul
and
busted ass across country -
driving nearly straight through
so that we could make it back
to The Great Lakes State
to interview for a job
so that we could be home with our
families
and
friends.

Arriving here seemed full of promise.
It was so good to see everyone.
I got the job that we drove here for.
Things seemed under way...

...Then they gradually deteriorated into
near homelessness
as we sat and watched Michigan's
economy fall apart
and continue to force hard working
people to move away.

Anyway,
I keep thinking about all of it...
doing some reflecting on why
things are the way they are.
Sometimes things aren't so easy to articulate,
but in the simplest terms -
I believe that this has been a test.

A test to our relationship
and relationshipS
and a learning experience
and a penance for our sins
and a chance to learn how to be a grown up.

I do believe that there are reasons
for everything
If I could just simply explain it,
I would say that I used to operate
in a single minded, self centered kind of way.

THAT is because I didn't HAVE to be a grown up.
I didn't have to worry about anyone but me.
I would walk out of friendships and people's lives
because I FELT like it really wouldn't matter to them,
like I didn't really matter to them.
Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't a "feel sorry for myself" kind of revelation.
This is a "why the hell would I really matter to them?" kind of revelation
Until recently, I never understood that I
-for whatever reason-make a difference sometimes.
Like how I deal with my little brother.
He's kind of a brat, so I would be short with him.
I realized that I was hurting his feelings and so it
made him more hard to handle.

I haven't ever wanted to be important to anyone.
Dee felt abandoned when I decided to not be friends
with her anymore and she felt bad about it for a few years.
When she confronted me about it, it irritated me
because I couldn't understand why it mattered. I felt like she needed to get a life.
It made me realize that my choices effect other people - more
than I could have ever known.

Before this, I've never spent much time with kids either...
It's AMAZING how much they can drive you crazy
and go through the house like Tasmanian Devil's
and refuse to go to bed and all of the things that little kids do...
(and you're thinking: "Man, get a vasectomy, PRONTO!!")
and then they say something cute or do something funny
and your heart melts and you're totally bummed when
they leave because you never realize how much
meaning they bring into your life until you actually stop and feel it.
Then you spend time giggling about the little things she did
or the funny stuff that he said...
and you realize, "hey kids are pretty neat!"
They matter to me, maybe I matter to them.

Then I went to the girl doctor last week and she told me that
I better start thinking about having kids if I'm going to,
because my eggs are getting older now...
Ugh.
I've just come to grips with how stuck in my ways I am...
I just don't know if I'm capable of
doing it...I'm not terribly maternal.
I blame that on the Beardslee side.
all partiers with no center.
That's not what I want to be.
But I'm still unsure of whether my high school proclamation of
"no kids for me" still stands or what?
Just like me to be wishy washy. I think that my picture is in the
dictionary next to "undecided."

It's so hard that I'm not the mom
in my new family. It makes me jealous
that I'm not the one who got to share that
experience with the man I want to spend my life
with. It's hard that her number is still under "HOME"
in his cell phone.

I have learned so much about myself...
Sometimes it scares me and other times...
I am happy with the strength that I have found
and (hopefully) the personal growth that I so need and desire.

The new year is going to be better.
It has to be.
I'm going to get settled,
take yoga
and start cooking more.
Those are things that are easy to adhere to.
The hard part is accomplishing the
things that I really want to do...
like
being more patient,
making more time for relationships
and playing with the kids more
because for whatever reason,
I do make a difference.
(even if I don't know why.)

Happy New Year!

2007